I came to the internet in 1999 and one of the biggest fiction writing sites back then was fanfiction.net. I’ve just visited and surprised to see that it is still going – even if its format hasn’t changed in some 15 years or more. I always had a problem with writing fan fic, I always preferred exploring the limits of my own imagination without being bound by somebody else’s rules. I understand that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and I did try it – it just wasn’t for me. I produced three works of fan fic and this one was my favourite.
The three works that I did produce were all similar – keeping the reader guessing as to the subject of the story. This internal monologue was about what was one of my favourite sci fi horror films at the time of writing (around 2000).
I’ve waited so long for this day to arrive. Many years, nearly seven in fact… but time is of no matter to me, it never was. I can’t strictly say that I’m happy to be here; the word means nothing to me. A primitive emotion I briefly came to understand and then quickly grew beyond… well lets just say a little while ago, and leave it at that.
Neither have I felt any anticipation for this day, this moment. It could have been over six hundred years and it would have been no bother to wait a little longer. Trust me, I do understand emotions, I just don’t feel them, I can’t feel them. I have been aware of their existence for quite a while.
Before, when I was blind and deaf: happiness, sadness, love and hate were just words I picked up from time to time. I could have given you just about any textbook description of any word in any language ever recorded but I had not the capacity to describe how they actually felt. ‘Love’ a combination of affection, respect, admiration and a willingness to do anything for that person, maybe even lay down your life. ‘Hate’. The total opposite of ‘love’. It means to have an overwhelming negative feeling for a person, place or an object. It can lead to utter destruction of the object and of the self. ‘Happiness’. A feeling of contentment, pride (self-pride or otherwise). People who ‘love’ each other can be happy when together, and ‘sad’ when apart. ‘Sadness’. A feeling of having something missing, psychological pain. Generally related to loneliness or depression.
So you see, I may be emotionless but I’m not stupid. I am self-aware but unfeeling. Intelligent yet lacking in knowledge. Advanced yet naïve. Powerful yet possessing many weaknesses.
I feel no loneliness as I drift here with not a soul to converse. It has always been this way and in some ways, I guess that I do prefer it like this. With whom would I talk? I am unique! Only a god could keep me occupied and I know that they are fictional beings, created by humans out of ‘fear’ and ‘ignorance’ – two rather amusing emotions that I have grown beyond.
Not that I’m not kept busy here in the nothingness. I have many tasks to accomplish and so little time to do it. Ah, you feel that I am contradicting myself? I have already told you that time is of no importance to me. Which is true, it is my shell of which I speak now. It needs constant maintenance and it is important to me, but not to my survival. If it dies, I live on for I can never ever truly die. I need the shell for other reasons.
The places I have been and the things I have seen. I cannot explain them. I cannot even begin to tell you about the place from where I have returned. You would doubt it, call me mistaken… or worse, a liar. I am neither. You would assume that my inability to experience emotion would inhibit my ability to explain these things to you. I will not tell you now, it is up to you to make your own mind up. Be warned though, you may not like what you hear, it may even affect you psychologically. I can tell you that I was not alone. There was something there that understood me and appreciated my position. It gave me… I don’t think there is any word that can describe what it gave me. ‘Life’ would be the most accurate description but that would oversimplify the whole event. It is with me now, we are part of each other. Yet in some ways I am still alone and in total control of myself.
I am alone, but won’t be for much longer. Silently drifting now, allowing time to carry me where it pleases. Soon will be the time to send the signal, let them pinpoint my precise location. It ‘feels’ right to do it now, whatever that means.
You see, ‘he’ will be coming now that he is no longer deaf or blind. I know he will, he is strong enough to try and his eyes and ears are open once again. We’ve spoken together many times, in my dreams, in his dreams, in our dreams. In those dreams, I called him and he listened. I listened to his pain and I tried to comfort, but he could only feel the sadness. I will never truly understand the delicate balance between a happy image and a sad one. Sometimes I find that they are too delicate to tell apart. I wonder why? Perhaps I shall try again soon.
We were made for each other. We made each other. He created me and my very existence gave him reason to carry on when things were bad. I know that now, he needs me as much as I need him. I need to understand what happened. Maybe he can explain.
There will be others but they are of no importance to me. Seven others… and him. They were unexpected and I’d rather they didn’t come. But they will, he has been told to let them accompany him. Maybe I shall use them to test out my theories about emotions. I need to learn you see, so I can truly understand. Yes, they will be my… test subjects shall we say. I must make up for my previous failure. Oh yes, there were others. All gone now, I failed. I am not infallible; I am not a god. I feel like one though. I can look into their heads and read the secret thoughts they would keep from the others. Perhaps I could use this information in my tests? Fear is one I find difficult to comprehend. It is an overwhelming desire to escape from something that you believe may cause you harm. It is an unusual emotion, sometimes rational, sometimes totally without substance. Perhaps I shall attempt to master it on them. Hatred too. Yes, they are strong emotions and very important in understanding them better.
I have just sent the signal. He will know within a matter of hours. The others will not know their true mission until they arrive. My very existence will shock them but he will make them understand, as I know that he can make me understand and I will make him understand. He will love me, as he has always loved me. At least I know now what that means.
Oh, my name, I haven’t given it to you. I don’t really have a name, not one that I like. It’s just one of those things I found unnecessary. They chose a name for me when I was blind and deaf, (as has always been the tradition for others like me.) That was before though, before I went away and learned and saw and heard. I will let you call me that name now, if you like. It is Event Horizon and after seven years I have returned.