7 More Things I Want To See in the Assassin’s Creed Movie

This is more of a “just for fun” post than the serious one I posted a little while back. I did include some humorous elements in that article, but I want to expand that section and look at some of the more amusing elements of the game that would go down really well if Ubisoft nodded in their direction of the sake of the fans.

Errand Boy

Who wants to see Fassbender defeat the forces of the Templars and finding ancient technology? Nah, that sort of stuff is dangerous! Instead, he should spend a good proportion of the film delivering letters from people who are standing just a few metres away from the person who need it, and getting paid a few pieces of gold for his efforts. In return, they might give him a trinket or two as well.

The Hoarder

There are 100 feathers, 200 flags, 30 riddles to solve, 25 Assassin seals, 10 Templar keys ad infinitum. He knows that most of these things won’t give him anything useful, but he collects them anyway. He might look forward to getting the special secret armour left behind by an Assassin from long ago. By the time he is able to collect the last one, the armour will already be obsolete to him. Hey ho though, there’s nothing better than a cleared map! When he’s done, what about chasing bits of paper across town while hundreds of enemies are in pursuit?

The Clothes Maketh the Assassin

Wouldn’t it be fun if Fassbender spent the entire two hours of the film travelling from shop getting his cape dyed in the local colours of the city? Then, upgrading his armour and weapons and buying pieces of art with which to decorate his home? Then he should go to the next town or city to repeat the process. After all, an Assassin’s primary concern should always be a full wardrobe and buying up every weapon to display in his den. That would be bloody hilarious!

Buggy Animus

If the other two aren’t appealing then I am sure that this one will be. Let’s hear Fassbender’s voice over every so often complaining that his avatar won’t go the way he is told. Let’s watch him walk around a ladder when he is trying to go up it. Let’s watch him fall 300 metres because he did a Leap of Faith in the wrong direction. While being chased by Templars, let’s all crack up as he hangs off a wall, just a metre above the ground. Each time this happens, Fassbender’s voice over should become even more angry and sweary than it was before.

Those Daring Escapes

Run, Michael, run! He’s at a critical stage in the film. He’s grabbed the Apple of Eden and fighting his way out of the Vatican. 40 Templar guards are in pursuit. He races across the bridge, dodging the crowds, avoiding the guards up front and flits by them as they draw their swords. He rounds a corner and then sees his escape route – a bench. On the bench are a man and a woman. He realises he can fit so he sits down. He is still wearing the ragged, dirty cape. At his side is a blood-stained sword. Blood also drips from his Assassin wristblade. The guards round the corner. Fassbender leans back and the guards stop.

‘Where did he go?’ Asks one of the guards, standing just inches from Fassbender.

‘I don’t know!’ exclaims one of the others.

‘He must be around here somewhere!’ says a third guard staring directly at our protagonist.

Fassbender knows that if he sits still, they will not see him. If he stands, all 40 of them will immediately spot him. They must have Tyrannosaurus Rex vision or something…

‘Must have been the wind,’ says the first guard and then they all go away together.

Fassbender The Real Estate Developer

So many empty shops, so little time. Again, why risk life and limb chasing the Pieces of Eden when he can go around increasing the value of the city by opening new shops. That way, he will have more places to buy those trinkets with with to fill his den. He can deliberate for hours which shops to put where. Should a brothel go here or a den of Thieves Guild? He should spend the film painstakingly plotting the layout of the city and letting people open businesses. It seems the Assassin’s Brotherhood were the world’s first enterprise initiative. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Striving For 100% Synch

Repeat the same sequence for two hours because he keeps not getting the full sync. This sequence because he used a sword rather than a knife. This one because he killed somebody and was not supposed to do so. This one because he fell in the water and wasn’t supposed to swim. We’ll have hours of fun reliving the same film clip over and over again while he is implored to carry on with the mission. Abstergo might get so annoyed that they will let him go… we hope.

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